Intoxication
by Miki Boy
Summary: Who knew sleazy cocktail names could bring about such an unlikely pairing? It's gonna take a whole lot of alochol, insults and team meddling to get these two together. -Rated M for language alone-
1. Multiple Screaming Orgasm

**So the other day I was in a bar and saw some odd names for cocktails on the menu which got me thinking and inspired this. This will be a multi-fic (although all the chapters will be quite small), and it will majorly just consist of the duo sharing jabs at one another over the bar – but hey, that's fun right?**

**Pairings: Bixlow/Lisanna-centric. Some Freed/Mirajane. Perhaps a little of Elfman/Evergreen – shall see.**

**WARNING: Many innuendos and dirty drink names ahead!**

* * *

><p><strong>Multiple Screaming Orgasm<strong>

**. . . . .**

"I'd like a Multiple Screaming Orgasm please."

The white haired girl behind the bar promptly jumped an inch in the air at the voice besides her ear, letting out a small scream before quickly trying to regain her hold on the glass in her hands. Meanwhile, maniacal laughter flew from behind as the oldest member of the Raijinshuu sat back in his bar stool with triumphant.

Despite her efforts, there was a resounding 'crash' as glass met the floor, sending the man into more laughter behind her. Spinning around, the young girl planted both hands on either side of her hips, frowning at the older man.

"That wasn't funny Bixlow."

"I beg to differ." He replied, grinning wildly and tongue hanging loose as his dolls reiterated his point. "The scream was nicely done actually. Now I'll have my multiple orgasm too please."

She sighed, rolling her eyes at the comment as she grabbed a cloth from the bar, unlike others in the Guild she didn't allow herself to be affected by Bixlow's snide comments. They were harmless after all. Perverted and degrading at times, sure… But at least he didn't grope them unlike the Master.

"I'll make the cocktail once I've cleaned this up." She replied. "Which was your fault by the way."

Bixlow rolled his eyes from beneath his visor, propping one elbow on the bar and supporting his head with a hand as he waited. Lisanna muttered to herself as she bent down and began collecting the glass shards in her hands, then proceeding to mop up any spilt liquid. The young man sat with a bored expression on his face, eyes wandering across the guild before they returned to the stand-in barmaid for today (her elder sister Mirajane was away for this afternoon).

As she knelt and pushed the cloth back and forth on the floor, he suddenly smirked, gaining an idea. "Great ass."

She flinched, head snapping around and blue eyes staring at him wide-eyed. He had to bite down on his tongue to stop himself from bursting into laughter.

"W-What?"

"I said can you make an Ass." He retorted with a neutral face. "You know, the drink."

"The drink, the drink!" His dolls cried in unison.

"O-Oh…" she mumbled, expression still stunned. She glanced away with reddening cheeks. "Sure, I think I know how to make that…"

He smirked as she stood up. "Were you thinking dirty thoughts?"

"No!"

"You're blushing."

"I am not!"

He chuckled as she turned around, face burning brightly, and threw the remnants of the glass into a nearby bin.

Grabbing the vodka and sour Apple Pucker schnapps needed, Lisanna scowled to herself with her back facing him. Why wasn't there anybody else at the bar besides him? Of course, by the time she'd turned back around, a sweet smile was once again in place.

"Here." She replied sweetly, placing it on the bar. "One 'Ass' for you." She turned around once again. "Guess you are what you eat."

From behind, she promptly heard a splutter and inwardly grinned to herself. She could play hardball aswell…

Meanwhile Bixlow gave several swift punches to the chest as he tried to clear his airway, staring flabbergasted after the white haired girl as she walked to the other end of the bar. However, after a few moments his expression morphed into a grin, guess you couldn't judge on appearances after all.

Raising the drink once more to his lips, he smirked as he drank from it. Maybe his moments away from his team members wouldn't be so boring afterall…


	2. Wet Dream

**Goddamit Bixlow. (-_-) I wanted to keep this T rated but noooo, you just had to go and say something dirty didn't you? Out of all the chapters I've written of this so far – which is about 8 – all but this are kept T rated. So yeah, upping the rating to M for this chapter alone. :/**

**At least I don't have to rein his personality in a bit now though...**

* * *

><p><strong>Wet Dream<strong>

**. . . . .**

That morning when Mirajane had once again left Lisanna in charge of the bar (Lisanna had watched suspiciously as a certain green haired man left the Guild soon after her sister), she had known straight away he would appear. Call it intuition if you will.

Luckily there were some others at the bar aswell, so when he sat waiting at the end of the bar she wasn't as edgy as their first proper conversation – which it was really, the two had never really spoken before then.

"Be right back guys." She said to the group consisting of Lucy, Gray and Natsu as she walked towards him.

As soon as she was within five feet, she could see the curl of his lip.

Oh no.

She hesitated the last few steps, staring cautiously at him as she stood before him. "What can I get you?" she murmured, "Or am I going to regret asking this?"

Bixlow grinned. "I'd like a Wet Dream please."

Yup. She regretted it. (It didn't help that his five dolls chorused 'wet dream' and 'please' following this)

"I'm afraid I don't know how to make those sir." She replied, trying very hard to keep a sweet voice. "I can't give you one of them."

He grinned. "What's to say you haven't already?"

Oh God. (And yes, more chorusing from the quintet of dolls)

She stared at him in disgust, "Why don't I give you an Aneurysm instead?"

"As long as that comes with a Slippery Nipple, I'm good."

Behind her she heard a crash, turning around she watched as Natsu lay on the floor with his chair turned over whilst Gray roared in laughter, Lucy simply rolled her eyes. When the Dragon Slayer's eyes met Lisanna's however, he pushed himself back up and pointed at Bixlow, "Pervert!"

Lucy blinked. "Huh?"

Bixlow grinned, "Eavesdropping isn't nice."

"Isn't nice! Isn't nice!"

Lisanna flushed instantly, oh God he'd heard...

Natsu continued to stare in disgust at him.

"What was he saying?" Lucy asked, staring cautiously at Bixlow as if he was about to attack any moment.

Natsu frowned, "Well at first he said something about a wet dream which I don't really get…"

Lucy and Gray both promptly chocked on their own spit.

"But then he said wanted a nipple and I know that's perverted!" Natsu yelled, looking proud of himself.

Lisanna groaned, placing a hand over her blushing face.

"You lech!" Lucy screamed, throwing her drink which the Raijinshuu member easily avoided. "How dare you sexually harass us girls!"

Bixlow mused for a moment. "Well I wouldn't call it Sexual Harassment, that's a very different drink-"

"Stay away from us females!" the blonde raved on, throwing her arms in the air and going on about 'degrading' and 'gender-equality' which Bixlow tuned out.

Lisanna found it amusing how Lucy remained naïve to the unclothed man sat beside her as she spoke about this. As she gave Gray his drink, she shoved his boxers over to him aswell which he promptly shoved back on with a small 'when the hell did they come off?'

"Oi barmaid! I'm still waiting on my drink." Bixlow yelled.

"Yeah, yeah, it's coming!"


	3. Naked Waitress

**Thanks for all the hits guys. (^_^) Glad to know people are reading this... And yeah, there will be some OOCness at times - then again, this DOES deal with alochol influences, and I did intend it as a "sorta" crack-fic.**

**Short chapter but next shall be longer.**

* * *

><p><strong>Naked Waitress<strong>

**. . . . .**

"Alright, go on."

"Hm?"

"What sleazy innuendo are you gonna do today?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah right Bixlow. Just tell me and get it over with."

"Well, if you're offering… I wouldn't mind a suck, bang and blow."

"Urgh."

"Ha ha, you were thinking dirty thoughts weren't you? You know, I only meant the cocktail."

"Bixlow!"

"Fine, fine, I'll have a naked waitress please."

"I thought it was Naked Waiter?"

"I wasn't talking about the drink."


	4. Virgin's Kiss

**Time for some more solid Freed/Mira...**

* * *

><p><strong>A Virgin's Kiss<strong>

**. . . . .**

Freed frowned as he watched the older member of his team sat at the bar, who as of right now was staring intently at certain white haired mage.

"Freed?"

"Hm?" He blinked and turned towards the sound of the voice. "Oh Mira, I'm sorry."

She smiled as she walked over to him with a coat and bag in hand. "Are we going?"

They weren't even trying to hide the fact they were dating now huh? Funny though that despite always leaving and hanging around together, nobody seemed to have picked up on their relationship – not even their own team mates.

"Of course." He said with a smile. However his eyes then wandered back over to Bixlow as he instigated a conversation with Lisanna – who, he noted, looked quite relaxed as she leaned over the bar to reply.

"What are you looking at?" Mirajane asked, following his line of sight with curiosity.

"Bixlow seems to be at the bar a lot recently." Freed mused. "He was never such a big drinker before…" A chuckle. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think he had a thing for your sister, hm Mira?"

Silence.

"Mira?" He turned only to find the fair haired woman gone. "Mira? Mirajane?"

Where the hell did she go?

.

.

"So what are you gonna have today?" Lisanna asked, leaning on the bar in front of him with her head propped up by both hands.

Bixlow thought in silence for a moment. "A Virgin's Kiss would be nice."

She raised an eyebrow. "Sorry to say I'm not familiar with that one."

"Well it is very rare, I could show you how to do it if you'd like."

"I'm good thanks."

"You sure about that?" His tongue peeked out from between his lips. "I make an awesome Virgin's Kiss."

Laughter. "I'm sure."

A snort. "Fine, how about a French Kiss? I know that you know how to do one of those."

"You liked that last one huh?" Lisanna asked with amusement.

CRASH

The two in question jumped an inch in the air, heads snapping to try and find the source of the sound. A second later they watched a panicked Freed trying to bring round a fainted Mirajane on the other side of the bar.

"Mira-nee!"

"What the fuck just happened?"


	5. Mountain Dew Me

**And back to Bixlow/Lisanna we go~**

* * *

><p><strong>Mountain Dew Me <strong>

**. . . . .**

"Ah, Lisanna..."

"Hm, what is it Erza?"

A pause. "I can't help but notice you've been speaking with Bixlow quite frequently lately."

"So?" The fair haired girl blinked innocently with a shrug. "He's a member as well, after all."

"Indeed, but..." The redhead fell silent for a moment, considering how to go about this without seeming too judgmental.

"He's a pervert!" Lucy snapped.

Well, so much for that...

Lisanna turned blue eyes on the blonde in surprise. "Eh?" She chuckled. "I know he makes crude remarks then and again, but he isn't so bad." Placing a hand on her hip, she lifted a finger to make a point. "At least he doesn't smack your behind like the Master!"

Lucy shuddered at the memories.

"We know that." Erza replied, arms folded over her chest. "But Bixlow is older and while we trust him as a member, he is a bit... dodgy at times." She locked gazes with the younger Rajinshuu member. "And we've noticed that he seems to spend an awful lot of time around the bar when _you_ alone are behind it. So, just be careful alright?"

Taking in this new information, Lisanna melted into a warm smile. "Thank you guys, for worrying about me... But I can take care of myself. I'll bear your words in mind though."

Erza nodded curtly. "That's all I ask."

From further down the bar, Bixlow took a seat, glancing down towards Lisanna. "Oi, barmaid! Mountain Dew Me, over here."

"Ah, coming!"

_**"What!****"**_

"Ah Lucy and Erza, don't faint! Somebody get Wendy over here... And Bixlow, stop laughing dammit!"

* * *

><p><strong>For the 'Mountain Dew Me', it only works if you say the drink name aloud. ;D<strong>


	6. Big Hug

**Something a bit fluffy this time around.**

* * *

><p><strong>Big Hug<strong>

**. . . . .**

As soon as the three Raijinshuu members walked through the entrance of the Guild, Lisanna watched on as Freed went straight over to a waiting Mirajane. Interestingly, the white haired barmaid broke into a huge smile at the sight of him – hm, was there something going on there?

Ah but wait, another figure was walking off now. Her eyes followed Bixlow as he sat himself at a table far off, pausing and counting to ten before standing up - she didn't want to seem too eager - and walking over to sit opposite of him.

"You alright?"

He groaned as he rested his head on the table, "Don't talk to me, I'm napping."

("Napping!", "We're napping!", "Sleepy time!", "Don't talk!", "Nap! Nap!")

Ignoring the five dolls and shooing them away with a hand motion, she leaned forward. "Hard mission huh?"

Silence.

Her lips dipped into a frown, she didn't exactly appreciate how he found it fine to talk to her no matter how busy she insisted she was at the bar… And yet, here when she tried to instigate a conversation he brushed her off.

"Rumours have been going around you know." She muttered, persistant in her attempts of conversation.

More silence.

"Thanks to and your sleazy cocktail names, I've had inquisitions from both my siblings and practically all the girls in the guild! They all think we're dating."

A chuckle.

"It's not funny." She said, crossing her arms and frowning. Dimly she was aware she was pouting, but she refused to acknowledge it. "I should give you a kick in the nuts."

"Ooh, nice shot choice. Plenty of rum needed."

…

"Ouch!" He snapped his head up and glared at her – although granted you couldn't see it beneath his visor. "You kicked me."

Now who was the one pouting huh?

"Stop ignoring me." She replied with a glare of her own, "I have to put up with you talking to me when I'm up to my neck in bar orders, you should give me the curtsy of listening when I'm speaking to you!"

He grumbled something under his breathe, considering the giggling his dolls gave she didn't really want to know what.

"You look exhausted." She stated, "Hard mission?"

"Nah." He replied, leaning back on his stool. "Mission was pip easy. Hard part was us arguing over who got the double bed in the inn we stayed at."

"Evergreen?"

"Of course."

A laugh. "So you and Freed slept on the floor huh?"

"Cold, hard and fucking infested with creepy crawlies. Hence why I'm trying to sleep."

Ignoring the hint he was trying to give, she smiled. "I think somebody needs a big hug."

"I'm not in the mood for alcohol."

"I wasn't talking about a god damn cocktail." She replied in exasperation. She didn't even know that was a cocktail – how the hell did Bixlow know all these names?

"Then what are you- hey!"

Quickly moving to sit beside him, she gave him a side-ways hug which he promptly tried to get out of.

"Ha ha, Bixlow is being hugged by a girl!" Natsu cried.

"Aw, is he blushing?"

"Shaddup Evergreen!"

_("Blushing!", "Blushing!", "Awwww!", "He's blushing!", "Blushing!")_

"Let go already!"

She laughed.


	7. Blushing Barmaid

**So this chapter and future ones were beta'd by a new RP friend of mine. (^_^) So thank you very much to her! This chapter seems a bit filler-ific, but Lisanna and Bixlow needed a break.**

* * *

><p><strong>Blushing Barmaid<strong>

**. . . . .**

"Hello Mira, has everybody already left?"

"Hm, I'm just cleaning up."

Sliding into a bar stool at the counter, Freed smiled. "So, did you talk to Lisanna?"

"Oh, yes, it's fine." She laughed. "They're not dating; they were just talking about cocktail names it turns out."

"Then, why do you still have that mischievous glint in your eye?"

"Oh, no reason! It's just that they seemed awfully flirty to be just friends."

Freed raised an eyebrow. "You seem quite fine with this."

"Well at first I was totally and utterly against the idea." Mira mused, standing opposite him of the bar. "But then I began watching them and… well, she seems so much more relaxed when she's around him – as much as it pains to admit that."

Freed chuckled. "We might just have another Take Over and Raijinshuu member pairing up."

"Hmm… Oooh! We should get Elfman and Evergreen together!"

"I don't think they'd like that."

She leaned over the bar, eyes shining. "But it'll be brilliant, two teams together!"

"Mira-"

"We can triple date!"

"But Mira-"

"Right! It's decided, I'll get them together and- mmph!"

Silence descended on the bar as the young woman found her lips silenced by the rune mage, a few moments passing before she relaxed and returned the kiss with her lips pressing back against his.

Pulling away a moment later, Mirajane smiled at him. "I could get used to goodnight kisses like that."

Freed smirked. "Better than the Goodnight Kiss you made up yesterday?"

Her eyes shined with amusement. "Much."

"Hm." he pulled back slightly. "I wonder if I can outshine your other recipes, should we see?"

Standing up straight, she chuckled. "You've been hanging around with Bixlow too much."

As he leaned further over the bar, he replied. "Please, I was the one to teach him all those drink names."

"Oh?"

"Would you like to see how I make a Blushing Barmaid?"

The next morning, Mirajane concluded that yes, no recipe could compare to Freed's techniques.


	8. Red Face

**#08 Red Face**

**. . . . .**

The moment Lisanna realised she was crushing on the older Raijinshuu member was rather sudden.

She was simply sat there, glancing across the Guild, not even aware she was staring until Levy called her out on it.

"Lisanna? Why are you looking at Bixlow?"

"E-Eh?" She jumped, eyes widening at the implication. "I-I wasn't… I wasn't staring!"

Levy continued to look at her.

"I was just looking across the guild." She went on, aware her cheeks were suddenly becoming red for some reason.

"Okay…" Levy murmured unsure.

"I-I gotta go." The taller girl mumbled, jumping up and all but running away from the table. Unfortunately, she just couldn't get to the guild entrance without Bixlow making a comment.

"Oi."

Freezing on the spot, shoulders tensed as she turned around to face him. Why, oh why, did he have to come to her now?

"W-What?" She asked quietly, aware her cheeks could rival Erza's hair as they was now.

One look at her face and he laughed. "I'd ask for a Red Face but looks like you already got one."

Glaring, she quickly swivelled around to walk out the Guild, and when Bixlow stopped laughing and noticed her angrily leaving, he sobered up. "Hey, what's wrong with you?" He yelled. "It was just a joke!"

Meanwhile, many Guild members who'd witnessed the scenario all came to the same jaw-dropping conclusion.

Lisanna was crushing on Bixlow.

Wow, somebody get the alcohol out, the images that just came with that thought aren't pleasant.


	9. Foreplay

**09# Foreplay**

**. . . . .**

"Wow, you're amazing at foreplay!"

"Really? It's my first time, I wasn't really sure…"

"Nah, good stuff there. Easy to do once I told you what you needed right?"

A smile. "Mm. I'm curious as to how you know so many cocktail recipes Bixlow."

"I'm just that awesome."

"Why don't you serve drinks?"

"Pfft, I'm not being a fucking waiter."

"What's wrong with waiting?"

"Relax, I'm not insulting you, I'm just saying it doesn't suit me."

A pause and the two remained in silence for a while, the chatter of the rest of the guild floating around them and acting as content background noise.

"You feeling alright now by the way?"

"Eh?"

"You were practically red in the face the other day, not to mention you seem to be flushed a lot of the time… Don't go getting ill, I won't have anybody to make me shots."

"What about Mirajane?"

A snort. "She creeps me out."

Lisanna smiled. "Mira-nee can be a bit mischievous."

Bixlow muttered something in agreement, turning his head to meet her gaze. Lisanna smiled back at him, however as the moment went on, it dimmed slightly and she quickly glanced elsewhere as a tell-tale blush appeared on her cheeks.

Bixlow frowned at the reaction, something nagging at him. Something essential. And he was just about to realise something important–

"Bixlow!"

Fuck. Evergreen.

"What?"

"Get your ass over here! We're going on a mission!"

Grumbling, he stood up and cast one more glance at the younger girl. What had he been about to realise?... Ah, it was no use, moment over. With a roll of the eyes, he ruffled her hair with his hand. "See ya."

"S-See ya." She replied, face still glowing.

As he walked away from her, he frowned. Just what the hell happened?


	10. Panty Dropper

**A/N: Gone through previous chapters and edited them, fixing typos and grammar what-not.**

* * *

><p><strong>10# Panty Dropper<strong>

**. . . . .**

"Never have I ever had sex."

Drink.

"Never have I ever _not_ had sex."

Drink. "No fair."

Bixlow grinned, eyes gleaming as he stuck his tongue out at her. "There are no rules in this game."

Lisanna tried to stay stern but found herself bursting into laughter, the many units of alcohol in her system having affected her mental stability slightly. The two of them were currently sitting behind the bar on the floor, a bunch of shots lined up between them as only a dim lamp overhanging the bar provided them with light. Bixlow's dolls sat off to the side, all lined up on the floor and strangely quiet, Lisanna could only assume the fact Bixlow was inhibited by alcohol had affected his magical control of them too.

The younger Strauss siblings had been left to clean and close up the Guild that night, and somehow when Bixlow came by, their conversation had led to the two holding a drinking game between them. They'd most likely regret it come morning but right now they were having fun – Bixlow had even removed his helmet, placing his blue mohawk and eyes on display for her to see.

"Sure you should be drinking?" Bixlow asked, watching her unbalanced state with amusement.

She pouted. "I'm eighteen now, I'm an adult who can make her own decisions." A pause. "Never have I ever kissed a person of the same sex."

Bixlow smirked, his hands going nowhere near the shot glasses. "Sorry, I'm 100% heterosexual over here… Never have I ever had a crush on somebody in the Guild."

There was a brief pause before Lisanna wordlessly picked up a glass and downed it.

Bixlow chuckled. "So, you still head over heels for the pink haired dolt?"

Lisanna frowned, fingering a piece of stray material on her dress. "I'm over him. It's pretty obvious he and Lucy are made for one another."

He watched her, trying to decipher her expression. "You alright with that?"

"Yup." She lifted her head and smiled genuinely at him. "I don't have a crush on him anymore."

"No crushes on anybody else?" He asked, smirking suddenly. "How about Laxus?" At her balking expression, he laughed.

She pouted whilst glowering at him, trying to hide the panic that surfaced when he asked the former question. Luckily he'd think her red cheeks were from the alcohol so she was covered there at least.

"Hey." she asked, hugging her knees to her chest and resting her head atop of them. "Why don't you take your helmet off more?"

He cut off in his laughter, taken off guard by the random question, although he was quick to hide it. Shrugging, Bixlow replied, "I just prefer it on."

"But you have such nice hair." She murmured, staring enviously at it.

"And you're drunk." He replied, eyes narrowing in on her. "What were these shots again?"

"Maybe a little." She admitted. "And they're called Panty Droppers. But _anyway_, your hair does really look soft." She leaned forward on her knees, hands reaching out as he backed off. "What shampoo do you use?"

He grabbed her wrist in his hand, trying to keep her off of him. This only made her lift her other hand instead which he grabbed as well, mindful of the glasses between them which she was close to knocking over.

"You're definitely drunk." He laughed. "Can't hold your liqueur huh?"

Her gaze dropped from his hair to his eyes, and she opened her mouth to protest… Only to stop stop, suddenly realising the close proximity of their faces and bodies. Her wrists were trapped within his hands and held aloft in the air, body practically pressed against his own and face hovering over his.

Bixlow seemed to be coming to the same conclusion since his expression had quickly sobered, he almost threw her away from him then and there if not remembering the many glasses around them.

Blue eyes flitted momentarily to the side before returning to him, her tipsy trance evaporating as she sobered up herself. "I-I should be getting home, Mira-nee and Elf-nii will be getting worried."

"Y-Yeah."

With a small smile, she leaned forward and, well… For a moment, he thought- he believed-

But no.

She simply placed a quick peck on his cheek before leaning back and standing up. She stumbled slightly as she tried to find the cleaning supplies, flinching when a hand grabbed her elbow. Looking over her shoulder, Lisanna found Bixlow staring down at her.

"Go on, get lost." He said with a sigh. "You're too drunk to clean up, I'll finish up here."

She paused before nodding, walking over to the entrance. When it became clear how unbalanced she was however, he sighed again, louder this time.

"Wait."

She did.

"Just…" he groaned, placing a hand on his face. "I'll walk you home, don't worry about this place… I'll come in the morning and clean up." God, why was he acting like a baby-sitter now?

Just before leaving however, he glanced down at one of the shots and thought back over the most recent events of that evening.

_Never have I ever had a crush on anybody in this Guild._

He cast a glance at the younger girl who sat slumped over a table and thought on the moment that had just transpired, as well as the reaction it brought out of him. With a reluctant sigh, he raised the shot and downed it in one.

Dammit.

Later that night when Mirajane opened her apartment door to find her younger sister – evidently drunk and unable to stand properly – being held up by a sheepish Bixlow, World War 3 broke out.

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